Why I’m Voting To Remain In The EU And You Should Too!

Every now and then one of your friends does something bloody amazing that reminds you of why you picked out that person and decided that you wanted to keep them around – George Bevan did that a few days ago when he wrote the most glorious facebook status that has ever made it’s way to my timeline about all the reasons that I’ve not quite managed to put into words myself yet about why we should most definitely be voting to STAY in the EU.

Shits about to get sweary (soz Mum), well researched and really bloody brilliant to be honest.

Have a good read of this before making your decision for whether you’re voting in or out of the EU because this is the best damn argument I’ve read thus far, and here’s a bonus picture of Sweet George before we get going!


Alright, you filthy animals. I don’t normally do this, because I believe that everyone should have the right to vote how they want at elections, but:

a) this ain‘t an election, it’s a referendum so go shit yourself


b) I honestly believe that the stakes are too high for me not to get involved here. If I can influence even one person with this post, then I’ll feel like I’ve done something important. 

So, I’ll put my cards on the table: I believe, very very strongly, that we need to stay in the EU. I never thought I’d find myself agreeing with David ‘PigFellatio’ Cameron, but in this unfortunate case I am, and here’s why:

We stand to gain SO MUCH from staying in the EU. “How much”, you’re (probably not) asking? Well, I made a convenient list for your perusal, WITH sources, so you can’t be a twat and say ‘you’re making that up!’ and froth at the mouth like a rabid cunt.

I know people on the internet like listicles with clickbait titles, so here are “14 Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Leave The EU That Everyone Should Know! You Won’t Believe #8!”:

1) The EU provides easy access to 1/3 of the world’s markets by value (in other words, the EU’s combined market value is 1/3 of the entire world’s, and we can tap into it whenever the fuck we want). [1] It also gives UK businesses preferential market access to over 50 countries OUTSIDE the EU, including some of the fastest-growing economies in the world like South Korea and South Africa. [2]
2) The EU gives us better product safety. You know, so your toddler doesn’t impale him/herself on a shittily designed toy, or swallow a load of poisonous plastic. [3]
3) The EU gives structural funding to areas hit by industrial decline (hello, Cornwall). [4]
4) The EU gave us lead free petrol. [5]
5) The EU gives us cheaper mobile charges. [6] It also gives us cheaper air travel. [7] Fuck yeah, cheap things!
6) The EU gives us cleaner beaches, rivers and air (hello again, Cornwall). [8]
7) The EU gives us improved consumer protection and food labelling, so you actually know what it’s in your Chicken McNuggets (hint: it’s chicken. It wasn’t always chicken, though). [9]
8) The EU has helped break up monopolies. [10] If you don’t know why monopolies are a Very Bad Thing, try playing the popular board game ‘Monopoly’ and see how many friends you have left when you win.
9) The EU gives us cross-border policing to combat human trafficking, arms and drug smuggling, and terrorism. [11]
10) Being a member of the EU means no paperwork or customs for exports throughout the single market, as well as the freedom to travel, live and work across Europe. [12] This one is particularly important for me as someone who likes to live, work and travel abroad. Do you have ANY IDEA how fucking great it is to be able to travel and work visa-free?! Having to a get a visa for every single country you enter is a nightmare, believe me. If you’ve ever tried to travel around Asia, Africa or South America, you’ll understand what I’m saying.
11) The EU creates and helps uphold all kinds of awesome human rights, such as equal pay legislation, holiday entitlement, and the right not to work more than a 48-hour week without overtime. [13] I’d also like to point out that it’s some of these same human rights that David ‘PorkTwatter’ Cameron tried to erode back in 2014, with the EU playing a major role in stopping him. [14]
12) The EU creates and upholds all kinds of great animal welfare legislation; it has the strongest wildlife protection laws in the world and contributes to improved animal welfare in food production. [15]
13) The EU funds incredible scientific research and industrial collaboration (including, most recently, a project that may be the catalyst for a cure for breast cancer being found in the next few years, I shit you not). [16]
14) Finally, and arguably most importantly, the EU has for 60 years been the foundation of peace between European neighbours after many years of bloodshed. [17] It has also assisted in the extraordinary social, political and economic transformation of 13 former dictatorships, now EU members, since 1980. [18]

[1] http://news.cbi.org.uk/…/eu-business-facts/10-facts-about-…/
[2] http://europa.eu/rapid/press-release_MEMO-13-1080_en.htm
[3] http://ec.europa.eu/…/general_product_safety_d…/index_en.htm
[4] https://www.cornwall.gov.uk/…/european-structural-and-inve…/
[5] http://ec.europa.eu/environme…/…/project/Projects/index.cfm…
[6] https://www.theguardian.com/…/europe-abolishes-mobile-phone…
[7] http://europa.eu/…/citizens/travel/passeng…/air/index_en.htm
[8] http://www.theguardian.com/…/england-beaches-bathing-waters…
[9] http://ec.europa.eu/…/la…/labelling_legislation/index_en.htm
[10] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/w…/European_Union_competition_law (I know I’m not supposed to use Wikipedia as a source for its less-than-rigorous academic standards, but FUCK YOU I’m not in uni anymore, I’ll do what I like).
[11] http://heinonline.org/HOL/LandingPage…
[12] http://ec.europa.eu/…/borders-and-…/visa-policy/index_en.htm
[13] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/…/European_Convention_on_Human_R…
[14] http://www.telegraph.co.uk/…/David-Camerons-plan-to-scrap-t…
[15] http://ec.europa.eu/food/animals/welfare/index_en.htm
[16] http://cordis.europa.eu/project/rcn/94691_en.html
[17] The Second World War, motherfucker. Read a history book.
[18] The Cold War, motherfucker. Read a history book.

And now, let’s take a moment to address some of the arguments for leaving the EU…

Apart from the fact that I can’t find a single reputable study that suggests we’d be any better off outside of the EU (and believe me, I’ve looked; I want to research my counterarguments as thoroughly as my arguments), the most persuasive arguments I’ve found are what I’m going to term ‘the trade argument’ and ‘the immigration argument’.

The trade argument goes as follows: if we left the EU, we could negotiate a sort of ‘amicable divorce’ where we somehow retain strong trading links with the EU while not being subject to its laws. Many people point to Canada as a good example of this model, which recently negotiated a CETA (Comprehensive Economic and Trade Agreement- do I have to google EVERYTHING for you?) with the EU.

I have two retorts to this argument.

My first retort: Canada was never a part of the EU in the first place.

To return to the divorce analogy outlined above- whereby the EU and the U.K. are a sort of ‘married couple’ and trade is their kids- the U.K. seeking a CETA after leaving the EU would be like a nasty, messy divorce where one parent uses the kids as a weapon against the other, threatening to take them away whenever their demands aren’t met. Canada’s CETA, meanwhile, is like a married couple approaching someone else to have a threesome at a swinger’s party, which sounds a lot more fun and exciting, I’m sure you’ll agree.

My second retort to the above argument is simple: why even take the risk?

If we stay in the EU, our trade with them will continue to be prosperous and full of great sex while the kids are asleep (okay, I’ve taken the analogy too far now). If we leave, however, there’s a chance any trade agreement could fail catastrophically and leave our economy in a shitstorm. In fact, I would argue the likes of Germany, France and other leading EU nations would not simply let us pick and choose what rules and trade agreements we adhere to, so the likelihood of us being absolutely fine, trade-wise, after leaving the EU seems overly optimistic. Plus negotiating a CETA of any kind could take years and have a completely uncertain outcome. Again, why take the risk? An additional point: arguments no. 2, 4, 6, 7, 8, 11, and 12 above are examples of really great laws and regulations the EU has introduced. If you say you want to leave the EU so we have autonomy over our own laws, you know that you’re effectively handing control of our country over to David ‘HideTheSausageLiterally’ Cameron, don’t you? In terms of making laws that benefit all of us, I trust the EU way more than that guy.

The immigration argument tends to centre around the whole ‘visa-free work and travel’ thing, and is generally espoused by people terrified of dem immigantz stealin are jobz. Alternatively it’s espoused by people afraid of terrorists being able to come here more easily, but for that I’d refer you to point no. 9 above; we’re safer from terrorism in the EU because we can share intelligence and resources with other countries more easily. But back to the ‘stealing our jobs’ fear; while it’s true that technically speaking there could be an influx of foreigners coming to claim your particular job at any moment, just remember, we’ve been part of the EU for 43 years now and it hasn’t happened yet, despite what the mainstream media may tell you (and you DEFINITELY shouldn’t trust those guys; more on that later). Seriously, do you know ANYONE, personally, that has had their job stolen by a foreigner? Be honest now. I’d be willing to wager that you don’t, and I’ll explain why that is too: the immigrants that are coming here are not stealing YOUR jobs, specifically.

They’re either starting their own businesses (in which case they’re actually creating jobs), or they’re skilled labourers taking jobs there just aren’t enough trained British people to take (such as doctors or surgeons), or they’re unskilled labourers taking the jobs that you don’t want (like toilet cleaning or washing dishes). Incidentally, about a year ago I taught English to some Eastern European immigrants who worked in a salad-packing factory in Lichfield. One Latvian girl was actually a teacher back home, but she was making more money as a salad-packer here than she was as a teacher in Latvia(!)- the point being that unskilled immigrant workers are generally happy to work shitty menial jobs that no British person wants, and your cushy 9-to-5 office job is not under threat. Not even a little bit- so don’t worry your xenophobic little head about it. Oh, and one last thing on this subject, to paraphrase Louis CK: maybe, if an immigrant with no contacts, no skills and no local knowledge of the language and/or culture can steal your job, maybe, just maybe, you’re shit at your job.

If you’ve made it thus far through this absolute essay of a post, congratulations! You’re nearly at the end! But before I go, I just want to hit you with one final thought.

Over 80% of UK newspapers are owned by five right-wing media billionaires (aka five massive cuntstacks): Lord Rothermere (Daily Mail), Rupert Murdoch (Sun/Times), Richard Desmond (Express), and the Barclay Brothers (Telegraph). Murdoch is an Australian living in New York and Rothermere lives in France, while the Barclay Brothers live in the tax havens of Monaco and Guernsey. All of them use tax haven entities to avoid UK taxes. And guess who wants to stop billionaires using tax havens to avoid paying their taxes? That’s right, the EU. So of COURSE the British newspapers are trying to persuade you to leave the EU; it benefits their owners personally. The moral of the story is, don’t gather your views from newspapers. Do some research like I have with this post, you lazy twonknoggin.

In conclusion: we’re in a really great position right now. We’re part of the EU with all the benefits that entails, but without being tied to their notoriously unstable currency. Leaving the EU would not only be hypocritical since we spent so much time telling Scotland they shouldn’t leave the UK this time last year with all that lovely ‘better together’ rhetoric, it might also be downright stupid and harmful to our economy.

tl;dr version: Vote to stay in the EU, you filthy animals. Because reasons. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

To read more from my beloved Bevs, go and check out his Left-Wing Trash Party!



16 responses to Why I’m Voting To Remain In The EU And You Should Too!

  1. Brex da Fuck Outta Here says:

    your forced, condescending inflection ruins this article for me.


  2. Simon Reid says:

    This was a brilliant Facebook post, I shared it along with 97K other people when I looked…..and my friend just pointed out it’s been deleted, does Facebook have some kind of brexit agenda???


  3. Neil says:

    1 Can’t this person say anything without using foul and abusive language.
    2 I don’t agree with much of what he says
    3 VOTE OUT


  4. sebsworld says:

    1) The UK does more trade outside of the EU. And the EU trade agreement forces the UK to put a tariff on all of this outside trade.
    2) better product safety – yes, but the UK has their own laws on this too.
    3) UK currently paying the EU around $300 million a week so that the EU can pay cornwall $9 million a week?
    4) Its not just the EU, almost the whole world changed to lead-free petrol.
    5) true, EU is forcing lower mobile and flight charges.
    6) This is something the UK should already be doing.
    7) true, but against something the UK should be doing itself.
    8) The EU itself is very much like a monopoly, and going to be impossible to stop when it gets out of control.
    9) Cross border policing has nothing to do with being an EU member. There’s cross border policing with a lot of other non-EU countries.
    10) true, still paperwork, but less.
    11) UK will still be part of the European Convention on Human Rights after a brexit. Note most of these rights were created by the UK in the first place.
    12) true, and the EU provides an extra income for the Richest farmers too.
    13) The UK pays the EU a great deal more than the funding it gets back.
    14) A brexit won’t make a great deal of difference. The EU will still be its neighbour, there will still be huge amounts of trade, there will still be human rights. The current trade agreement may not even change, and if it does it won’t be like Canada, it will be mostly the same as it is now, since the EU needs the trade agreement with the UK more than the UK needs it with the EU. The main difference will be that the UK will be controlled from London not Brussels and won’t have to pay the £360 million membership fee every week. (approx £250 million fee net)


    • John Skipp says:

      Spot on. Anyone voting to Remain in the EU is submitting to foreign rule, where we give up our sovereignty and Democracy. Most of the benefits listed can be achieved on our own if we vote in an unselfish, caring BRITISH government. We can easily remove a rubbish government like this one, now that we have the referendum we wanted. I want to stay British, whereas this nation will be absorbed into the EU state in a few years


  5. Jonesy says:

    I’ve never read so much bollocks in my life…how much were you paid for this ??

    Fucking hysterical.


  6. Neil Murphy says:

    Cant believe you would rather be run by a bunch of unelected people rather than the government that the majority of the people of our own country voted for! Whats even better is that we even have an opposition government to challenge them on any new laws they try to impose. Its called democracy. The EU is a dictatorship. EU = power without accountability. Be sensible and vote out.


  7. Steve ADG says:

    This is a great argument for remaining in Europe. A number of ridiculous responses above. We do have 75 elected UK MEP’s, that’s democracy, not dictatorship. The amount we pay to the EU is £160m a week, we sell £8 billion a week of goods and services in an open European market, that’s a fairly hefty balance in our favour. We do rule ourselves (only 10% of laws come out of EU and many of them we propose), we are just part of a group of like minded people. I can’t believe how many people are duped with this we want to be British and not ruled by unallocated Johnny Foreigner nonsense. We have the opportunity to be the European leaders …. we are strong and well respected, don’t throw that away. Vote Remain.


  8. Rob Day says:

    Points 9 and 14 had me chortling – cross border policing yeah right, having worked at Kent’s borders for ten years I can blow that one out of the water, absolutely fuck all to do with the EU! Point 14 – that was and still is NATO, oh yeah, I was part of that as well. In keeping with the authors writing voice I can’t be fucking arsed to write anymore and I will still be voting OUT on the 23rd – that is all fuckers.


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